Friday, December 3, 2010

A servents heart

A Servents Heart... what does that mean??

What does it mean to seek the Lord with your whole heart??

Thoughout Psalms the call to seek the Lord, to seek Him with you whole heart is stated over and over again.

I've had many stuggles while being here. I've learned more about who I am, where I came from, How its made me who I am.

I've seen life... I've seen death... I've seen tears of joy and tears of pain.

I've seen miricles and I've had to ask the tough questions.... why did that happen?? I just don't understand...

However I've come to terms that God is in control. I dont' understand why things happen, they just do, I can't see the end result, I can't see the ending in the midst of a crazy situation and I may never see the ending while I am here on earth.

To seek the Lord... I've never heard God's voice so clearly, and I've never question God so much in the last four months. They seem so distant from each other yet, so close. Its in the hard times we come to see that we need Jesus...

I've been though a lot, and I've seen so much, not just here in the Philippines or in Niger, but also at home, my childhood.

Though living in community I've learn so much about fellowship and relationships. I've been able to be open and just share what the Lord has done, I've held back so many things, and I had kept barriers between different people in my life, family, friends, mentors, elders. To me it was for protection, however, it was because of my pride, my shame because I didn't want anyone to know the true me. I didn't want to let anyone down, I didn't want to stand up and speak. Yet in brokeness there is freedom. The glories of God grace!!!

The broken, the misunderstood me. The idea of what was normal, were so abnormal. From living situations, my mother health issues, the reason behind living with my grandparents. God is Faithful, I say it over and over. The Lord is Faithful, so many times I could of walked down the wrong path for just one day, one moment and I don't know if I would be here today.

In the midst of it all God kept his word in my heart, even though I didn't understand, I didn't know if I could trust the feeling, however I felt they were right. Just as it says in Psalms he will write his words on the hearts of all people, of all nations.

Over and over again I read though Psalms and it just set my heart free, I am in awe of the wisdom found within. As I finish Psalms I just have to continue into Proverbs... words of Wisdom.... Wisdom.... Knowledge... The Fear of the Lord.

As I prepare to go to the bukid next week. I know nothing, I am a planner, and its so hard to just sit back and enjoy the ride. Right now I know date leaving and date returning. I've heard I'll be on motorcyles for hours on end, I will giving injections, giving health teaching, doing prenatals. Its just the basic... I know the Lord said go... so my reply is Lord send me... Lord send me...To know that calling, to be called by God... may I have the right understanding of what it means to Fear HIM.

To be a servent.... to give myself, my all to the lover of my soul.... to the one that took my from the miry clay and set me upon the rocks. I am safe and sound in the Him. To know that brings comfort, to dig deeper bringa much joy, peace, yet heartache as God continues to mold me.

To have a Servents heart, to want to serve, to want to share of the hope that I've come to find. To dream dreams, to ask for healing, to ask for visions, to ask or wisdom and guidance.

I ask for wisdom and that pray that my eyes will be open and my heart set free so that I can live my life wholly surrendered to Jesus. To be free, to speak unashamed, to proclaim his goodness, to seek his face.

"Grace be with you" may the works of my hand proclaim his steadfast love, may I be a servent, may his grace fall upon those that I want to reach with his love. May that be the prayer of the Church. I look down at my stethescope and read that message. The ending to Titus... "Grace be with you" May his grace be with you and may you know his love.

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